Sunday, December 28, 2008

The New Year is aproaching!

Another year has COME and GONE! Our family is heading in good directions and I am pleased with the progress we have made for the most part. I have been mulling over my goals and focuses for the coming year. My Christmas attitude has helped me want to make sure Christ is the forefront of my family. I have been THIRSTING for the scriptures and increased spirituality. I find it so hard to get that at church teaching 7 year old's. I have started watching a lot of the BYU channel and found the discussion groups on scripture study. This has helped to water a bit of my thirst. I love & miss discussing doctrine and church history, I have suggested a scripture study group for the enrichment mini groups to help fill the need, but have not seen anything yet. I will have to take matters into my own hands and arrange something to help with this.

I am losing my Paulaness. I am disappearing and Bill's wife and the kids MOM is all that exists anymore. I am trying hard to find her, I need to find her. I am going back to school, but even that is a mothers goal to enhance her resources should something happen to my husband. Where did I go? Every loud laugh or silly song sung that others rebuke me for or become embarrassed by makes my essence evaporate. I feel the spunk and individuality that was me, melt away and drip of my fingers like too much rain water. Does the weight of responsibility automatically crush our heart song? Do we as women mold ourselves around our husband and kids to protect them, yet in the process lose and forget the shape of our souls?

With these things in mind, my two biggest goals for this year are to stop being a lukewarm handmaiden of Christ and find an altered Paulaness that incorporates more of the me I miss. It is almost like I don't know who I need to be so I have created a default stereotypical character to portray. Perchance these two go hand in hand, if I quench the spiritual thirst, I can revive the Paula that I have been dehydrating. we shall see...

1 comment:

Organized Chaos said...

Those are quite the goals. I don't know what you are talking about. Everything I read about seems a lot of Paula to me. I do know how you feel though. I think when you throw yourself so hard into your family that just naturally happens.